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Monday, August 10, 2009
{ 8:05 AM on '' }
I was in a particularly pensive mood last night which drove me crazy and I couldn't sleep. I think I think too much. I also think (or actually know) that I am a person who tends to hold on to the past and doesn't know how to let go. Like when everyone has moved on from the loss of MJ and Yasmin Ahmad, I am still sad.
I miss bahas. Or actually I miss Brighty. I don't just miss speaking, I miss speaking With brighty, even though I was a horrendous debator. I can safely say that I don't regret not joining this year (and I think Sheila agrees?). Call me stubborn or demanding or unreasonable for not giving another team a try but it's just not the same (apart from other reasons). 08 was a miserable bahas year on many levels, for many reasons. And the only way to alleviate the misery this year was if brighty was brighty. But brighty could not be brighty so here we are. I miss taking turns trooping down to Fareast to buy dinner, I miss dreading Cikgu and Kak Guy's arrival, I miss waiting for pantuns with such anticipation and reciting them horrendously, I miss writing scripts and getting confused between Sheila's and mine, I miss seeing Kak Guy flirt with Soff and vice versa, I miss singing (Ella ella eh eh eh) dancing gossiping in Malay room, I miss getting scolded battered crushed, I miss having to repeat my pantun 849032740275 times only to get thrown out before even finishing my opening sentence, I miss crying together like losers, I miss sitting down at the school carpark looking up at the sky waiting for Cikgu to drive up to the foyer, I miss having the whole school to ourselves at night, I miss Cikgu's car rides home and yea I think you get the point. If brighty back then, the 4 stuttering kids who barely made it through prelims, could conquer bahas in 07, brighty in 09 could have conquered the world. But well it wasn't meant to be. (Come to think of it the 07 teams have taken turns to become champions. Brighty 07, half of TA 07 that made up TJ last year, and half of the Aljunied team this year.) So anyway. My point is that I live in the past, as you can see. I don't know if any of brighty even think about it anymore because everyone has moved on and it has become no big deal but sometimes I wonder what it could have been like. We were the Perfect team, not in the sense that we are perfect la obviously but that we were perfect together. 08 was so... different, to say the least. Though in all fairness I don't regret 08. I only have 1 regret in this whole bahas journey but that is a non-issue. So bahas and me, we used to be quite tight but I think we've fallen out quite a bit. But I still miss it.
Speaking of moving on and such, I miss my batchmates. We might not have been ultra mega tight in rg but we were quite, no? And at least our paths would inevitably cross in malay class or malay room or the tree in front of Block J during rhd(even Adilah!). But now everyone has just gone their separate ways and other than the occasional hi and bye along the corridors we don't meet or talk. I know everyone has new lives new classes new friends but do the old ones become invisible? The junior batch 2 times our size is 10 times more together. I think after rg it feels like everyone hopped on a bullet train to rj while my stupid defective ezlink card won't let me through the tappy-tappy thing (I TOTALLY KNOW WHAT IT IS CALLED OK I JUST CAN'T THINK OF IT NOW) so I am still stuck here. But I also believe on some level maybe I subconsciously destroyed my ezlink so I can't get on the train because like I said, I live in the past and I try to hold on to it. Which is obviously utter nonsense but by the time I realise that and actually want to get on the damn train, my card is irreparable. So... now what?
I miss primary school too (I know, this is the Ultimate living in the past). Although my face specs hair and uniform were ugly with the coolio high socks and ridiculously long skirt (I'm quite tempted to post a picture but I think I should salvage whatever dignity I have), I was happy. I think I knew I was damn uncool but it didn't matter. I smiled and laughed and jumped and skipped all the time. Now I frown and snap at people and even when I am happy it is purely external and not internal.
And then I started questioning what is the big deal about A levels (yea what an eventful night). Aside from the fact that I will be judged and looked down upon (GASP DISGRACEFUL RJ GIRL WHO DIDN'T ATTAIN PERFECT SCORE), really what is the big deal? I don't have big dreams of attending Oxford or Cambridge because I am realistic and practical. Of course I will work hard and do my best but I think my family is contented with my getting into uni and getting a good job, and I don't need to get perfect scores for that do I? Of course everything's relative and if your idea of a good job is a neurosurgeon or something then all the best to you but I dunno man. Maybe the problem is that I'm not entirely sure what I want. Or if I have some idea of what I want, I have trouble picturing myself happily doing it in the long run. So maybe my dismissing The Big A is simply because I am a clueless underachiever. In any case, I say all this now but tomorrow or next week I might get a panic attack about a levels so just ignore whatever I said. Just breathe chillax work hard and que sera sera. The world is not going to end just because you don't get straight As.
There were many more thoughts running through my head (running through my head, all the things she said) but I am tired good night selamat malam see you later alligator
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Monday, August 10, 2009
{ 8:05 AM on '' }
I was in a particularly pensive mood last night which drove me crazy and I couldn't sleep. I think I think too much. I also think (or actually know) that I am a person who tends to hold on to the past and doesn't know how to let go. Like when everyone has moved on from the loss of MJ and Yasmin Ahmad, I am still sad.
I miss bahas. Or actually I miss Brighty. I don't just miss speaking, I miss speaking With brighty, even though I was a horrendous debator. I can safely say that I don't regret not joining this year (and I think Sheila agrees?). Call me stubborn or demanding or unreasonable for not giving another team a try but it's just not the same (apart from other reasons). 08 was a miserable bahas year on many levels, for many reasons. And the only way to alleviate the misery this year was if brighty was brighty. But brighty could not be brighty so here we are. I miss taking turns trooping down to Fareast to buy dinner, I miss dreading Cikgu and Kak Guy's arrival, I miss waiting for pantuns with such anticipation and reciting them horrendously, I miss writing scripts and getting confused between Sheila's and mine, I miss seeing Kak Guy flirt with Soff and vice versa, I miss singing (Ella ella eh eh eh) dancing gossiping in Malay room, I miss getting scolded battered crushed, I miss having to repeat my pantun 849032740275 times only to get thrown out before even finishing my opening sentence, I miss crying together like losers, I miss sitting down at the school carpark looking up at the sky waiting for Cikgu to drive up to the foyer, I miss having the whole school to ourselves at night, I miss Cikgu's car rides home and yea I think you get the point. If brighty back then, the 4 stuttering kids who barely made it through prelims, could conquer bahas in 07, brighty in 09 could have conquered the world. But well it wasn't meant to be. (Come to think of it the 07 teams have taken turns to become champions. Brighty 07, half of TA 07 that made up TJ last year, and half of the Aljunied team this year.) So anyway. My point is that I live in the past, as you can see. I don't know if any of brighty even think about it anymore because everyone has moved on and it has become no big deal but sometimes I wonder what it could have been like. We were the Perfect team, not in the sense that we are perfect la obviously but that we were perfect together. 08 was so... different, to say the least. Though in all fairness I don't regret 08. I only have 1 regret in this whole bahas journey but that is a non-issue. So bahas and me, we used to be quite tight but I think we've fallen out quite a bit. But I still miss it.
Speaking of moving on and such, I miss my batchmates. We might not have been ultra mega tight in rg but we were quite, no? And at least our paths would inevitably cross in malay class or malay room or the tree in front of Block J during rhd(even Adilah!). But now everyone has just gone their separate ways and other than the occasional hi and bye along the corridors we don't meet or talk. I know everyone has new lives new classes new friends but do the old ones become invisible? The junior batch 2 times our size is 10 times more together. I think after rg it feels like everyone hopped on a bullet train to rj while my stupid defective ezlink card won't let me through the tappy-tappy thing (I TOTALLY KNOW WHAT IT IS CALLED OK I JUST CAN'T THINK OF IT NOW) so I am still stuck here. But I also believe on some level maybe I subconsciously destroyed my ezlink so I can't get on the train because like I said, I live in the past and I try to hold on to it. Which is obviously utter nonsense but by the time I realise that and actually want to get on the damn train, my card is irreparable. So... now what?
I miss primary school too (I know, this is the Ultimate living in the past). Although my face specs hair and uniform were ugly with the coolio high socks and ridiculously long skirt (I'm quite tempted to post a picture but I think I should salvage whatever dignity I have), I was happy. I think I knew I was damn uncool but it didn't matter. I smiled and laughed and jumped and skipped all the time. Now I frown and snap at people and even when I am happy it is purely external and not internal.
And then I started questioning what is the big deal about A levels (yea what an eventful night). Aside from the fact that I will be judged and looked down upon (GASP DISGRACEFUL RJ GIRL WHO DIDN'T ATTAIN PERFECT SCORE), really what is the big deal? I don't have big dreams of attending Oxford or Cambridge because I am realistic and practical. Of course I will work hard and do my best but I think my family is contented with my getting into uni and getting a good job, and I don't need to get perfect scores for that do I? Of course everything's relative and if your idea of a good job is a neurosurgeon or something then all the best to you but I dunno man. Maybe the problem is that I'm not entirely sure what I want. Or if I have some idea of what I want, I have trouble picturing myself happily doing it in the long run. So maybe my dismissing The Big A is simply because I am a clueless underachiever. In any case, I say all this now but tomorrow or next week I might get a panic attack about a levels so just ignore whatever I said. Just breathe chillax work hard and que sera sera. The world is not going to end just because you don't get straight As.
There were many more thoughts running through my head (running through my head, all the things she said) but I am tired good night selamat malam see you later alligator
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